The Green Machine

Green, jealousy, envy, say it how you want, I've been struggling with it.

I hate that feeling, and I hate how often it seems to pop up and attack me. It started last week. I really should stop using instagram. I was looking at Kim Kardashians pictures thinking:

"Wow, how fun is her life? She is so beautiful. How cool to hang out with other celebrities? I wonder what it's like to be that close to Kanye West?"

These innocent trivial questions seem to be harmless. But that type of thinking doesn't just stop there for me.

I began thinking, "Well why does she get to have that life? She has does negative things to produce some attention, why is her reward fame?"

This type of thinking then has me basically comparing my life with hers. Which obviously is completely different. Then I get slightly angry and jealous. 

That's just one explample. When someone else gets pregnant, someone getting a new house, when when someone looks better, etc. I keep building with jealousy. It's like once I've opened the jealousy door in my heart, the enemy gleams with joy and holds it open while feelings and emotions get out of control and swarm through to hurt me and separate me from my faith.

In Living by Faith : The Bible and Jealousy blog they drescribe the causes of jealousy in a biblical sense.

"So what’s behind my jealousy?
Jealousy is the pain that arises when someone has something you don’t have, which you think you need to be fully satisfied.
So if I am jealous of someone’s lakefront house, it’s because I believe I need a lakefront house to be fully satisfied.
Or if I am jealous of someone’s athletic ability, it’s because I believe I need more athletic ability to be fully satisfied.
Or (this is my problem) if I am jealous of someone’s fame, it’s because I believe I need more fame to be fully satisfied.
So when I’m jealous, the problem lies in my faith — I’m not trusting Jesus’ promise that He Himself will fully satisfy me (John 6:35).  And I am trusting something else will satisfy me more than Jesus."

So what has been my solution to the jealousy? Simply thanking Jesus and centering him back in my world. When I'm green about something, personally it's because not only am I not satisfied with what God has given me but I'm also moving Christ out of my center, and refocusing on some materialistic or fleshly desire. Being thankful for what I have and what he is given me, continues to replenish my faith and it's hard to be jealous or negative when I'm doing that. I may not be where I want to be, but I'm moving forward in my walk with God step by step. And he is given me what I can handle at a time that I can handle it. Some things that we ask God for, well, it's just not right for us and/or good for us at this time.

Joyce Meyers says 'I only want what God wants for me'. This is difficult to say, but I do swallow my fleshly pride and confess it. Because it reminds me that God's plan is the BEST and I only want what he wants for me. And what he wants for me, he will provide as long as I'm obedient to receive it and/or take the opportunities he set in front of me.  

It's hard to write this post, because no one wants to admit their faults and things they struggle with publicly, but perhaps my thoughts might be a blessing to someone else struggling. For more information about The bible and jealousy please click on the link:  Living by Faith Blog: The Bible and Jealousy

Toodles.

The Proverbs Wife Pt. II

Gahhh, it's taken me a long time to write this...bear with me :)

A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.

This is not suprising to me. A good woman is hard to find. If you have been sought after by your husband, be happy! He has searched and through his trial and error has hand picked a good woman!


 Self Worth
Your first lesson in recognizing what makes a good wife, is UNDERSTANDING and BELIEVING your self worth, in that you ARE a good woman. Many times women get married for the wrong reasons, making the marriage a strain for both partners because the woman is looking for someone to fill a void versus looking for a companion. If you don't have self worth in you, you will always be depending on someone else to provide that confidence, value and self worthiness.  Truly, your value should come from who you are in Christ. Knowing who you are in Christ will help you establish a firm foundation in how you will see yourself no matter what circumstances come your way.

Trust
Your second lesson, is in trust. You have got to trust your partner and he's got to trust you. I understand things happen in life, that may cause a strain on your trust and that you will have to work diligently to get to a solid level of trust. Now your probably thinking of the obvious trust factor, which is being 'faithful' but also consider trust as in, that your husband will trust that you will: make the right choices, be honest with him, share with him, that you will do what you say, that you will honor him and your relationship, that you will put your relationship first...etc, etc. And that you will do all those things, GENEROUSLY. Give to your husband whenever you can and however you can, support him, provide for him and honor him the best you can.

Now you may be thinking "Well what about me?" Well this is lesson about being a good wife, so throw that 'me centered' thinking out!!

Alas -- if you are married, chances are that you both have dated at least a one or two people before you met, and that you have searched and by gods divine plan have found each other. Your husband  chose you. Out of all the fish in the sea, he has chose you. You! And that in itself should always keep a burning fire in your heart for your husband...

On to part III...

Ciao.

The Proverbs 31 Wife....Pt. I

A few days ago a friend of mines asked me "What does it take to be a good wife". Ahhh, the proverbs 31 wife.

Hymn to a Good Wife

10-31 A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She's quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: "Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!" Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!

I know what your thinking. The same thing I thought when I read that.

"What the...HOW AM I GOING TO DO ALL THAT?!"

I laid in my bed at 3 am, reading and rereading that passage. Determined to understand how I was going to strive to do all these things. I am a perfectionist so I was not going to go to bed until I knew how to designs gowns, mend winter clothes, and bring back exotic surprises. Then I read this note from another youversion bible app reader:

Wow, the proverbs 31 woman is difficult to measure up to! Who can do it? I don't know if any of us can do it all. She sounds too perfect. So instead of getting locked up inside about how imperfect I am compared to this woman, I will pray and ask the Lord to help me each and every day to become a better wife. -- Traci_hild

This is awesome. After I read this, I was able to finally go to sleep, because I realize just like any other verse in the bible, it is the example of how I should and should not be in Christ. And just like any other verse, I need to pray to God for the guidance and grace to STRIVE to do these things!

So I am committed to do a few blog entries breaking down, using the word, to really help others understand what I have learned (and still learning!!) on how to become more like the Proverbs 31 woman in our relationships/marriages! Even those women who are not married yet will prosper learning this PRIOR to getting into a relationship, you build a foundation of greatness and value for your future husband/relationship!

Stick around this week, I'll be posting throughout!

Blessings!

Does God answer your prayers?

This week I focused on my career and trying to hear from God. I don't think my spiritual ears have been turned on, until last night. This week I was so confused, how am I supposed to balance jobs, how is this going to work God, how can this be possible? I prayed all weekend (last weekend) for God to tell me to accept another position, I was interviewed for and approved for. The job did not make enough money for me to be able to quit my full time job however, I was asking God how, how!. But I simply did not hear from him. No one confirmed that I should take the job. No verse encouraged me to take the job. I searched for wisdom all over. Unsatisfied that nothing was turning up, I turned this over to God. I sacrificed the very thing I was desiring at the moment.

I walked into that job, shaky and nervous. Anxious since I did not hear from God, and at this point unless Jesus himself sent me a quick sign (there's still time Jesus!! I thought) it seemed like this job was not for me. But anyone who knows me, knows that saying No, is very hard for me. I take on too many jobs, opportunities, and responsibilities. But I explained to the director of the program that my mind was saying yes! But my heart was saying no for some reason.  And it was then, that I grew a little. I turned the position down. It was so hard, and it sucked. But once the words came out of my mouth, my whole body and spirit was relieved. I was actually...happy! I was happy to know that I would not be adding any additional stress on myself by trying to work a full time job, open a practice, and commit to yet another organization 3 times a week! I began thanking God, because not only did he answer me, but he is building me to make better decisions.

As I left the office, I gave my apologies to the director for wasting her time. She replied "Oh don't worry about, I'm gonna be using you, but I will let you get settled first in your practice." After all that, she still wants to use me and consider me down the line?! I was so happy and thankful.

Is God answering your prayers? Have you felt that he hasn't spoken to you about something you've prayed about? Make sure your listening, because he could very well be answering your prayers, but just not with the response your looking for.

I'm walking, I'm walking

I'm totally walking now. Yes it takes me quite awhile to get on here and make a post. My son was up until 10 pm last night at the sitters and is sleeping in this morning, giving me time to enjoy my coffee and get prepared for today! I'm excited, my idea will be a real live thing come August. Today I'm going to help with my ministries Yard Sale, then we are going to try to pick up as many things as we need for my office space. Excited, but know it's real.

My walk with God is regular and something I look forward too. The more I get closer to him, he comes to me. He blesses me. He let's me know he cares in many ways than just money. He's awesome. And I stand in awe of him as I get closer and closer. Before I would try to get close to God because I wanted what he could do for me. Not anymore. I KNOW he can do it ALL for me. I want to know him, be obediant, learn his desires for me, and fulfill my purpose. I have always said "I was going to make an impact" or "I'm special!" haha. I still feel that way. And a few months ago, I felt God's grip on my shoulders shaking me saying "Wake up- Get Serious! Your time is now! Don't miss it". Something in my brain clicked on, and I obliged.

So far I can really see small things about me changing. And other's can see my growth as well. Still wish I would have documented these experiences over the last three months, but that's ok because I will still have more. Project no cursing is doing well. I have blurbed out a few maybe 2x a week when something falls, as a natural response. I'm doing better. Project healthier you, doing ok, making minimal progress. I did commit to joining a gym. Haven't went to the gym yet. It's a process.

I'm about 39% (thanks kindle) completed with What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa Terkeuerst. Here are things I've learned and have applied to my life so far.

• Phase one: A leaving phase. I have drawn the line in the sand months ago, but I hadn't crossed it. Finally in the two weeks, I went ahead and left my old self behind. That's right I surrendered my flesh. And it didn't kill me. I worked through it slowly. I have taken on my new name (that's another entry) and moved forward walking side by side with God regulary and faithfully. 
• In phase one I have learned that I need to love God more than 'my' dreams. When I get frustrated with things not forcing them together...I need to learn to offer my dream as a sacrifice. Put it up for now and wait for God's move. 
• Phase two: Currently reading. Learning about the Famine Phase. Accepting God's invitation and really learning he is with me. Refusing to get bogged down with disappointment or frustration when things aren't working in my time. Staying faithful. Remembering Joseph's 13 year famine phase (Sweet Jesus, 13 years.)

I am taking my time with this book, keeping a notebook with my thoughts, assignsments and goals. Journaling is the best for me. I'm the kind of person who needs to reflect about my choices, goals, etc.

Well I have made small changes like I said within my self. I've gotten serious about 'my father's business'.  I'm walking...


Mary Mary - Walking

Obediance and Surrendering Pt. I

Another post...only a month later. Someone's doing better.

I have continued my journey walking with God. We have gotten closer. In that now, we have a set time each day to walk. I thank God, and bless his name. Then we have a serious discussion about how I have been. I ask God to forgive me for things I know were wrong. I ask him to continue to work on me. Building my character. I also ask him...to make it easier for me to surrender.

The flesh. My flesh loves ways of the world. After all, that's where most of the temporary pleasure derives. But I seriously--am fighting. I know God wants to do something great in my life. Soon. He has called me, and has began molding me. Building me up with scripture. Convicting me as needed. Bringing me back when I've wondered a bit too far. Whispering encouragement and faithful words to me. I love him. So much. But I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to be obedient. There are things that God has asked me to do. For a while now. And it's taken me so long to begin them. I've started a few small projects.

Project No Cursing and Project Healthier You. Trying to not curse. And trying to not eat fast food, attempt to get some sort of healthy lifestyle started. Key word started.

It's so hard though. Flesh wants to fight this so bad. My mind fights me. I want to sing the curse words in my favorite songs on the radio. I want to quote things with curse words in them on facebook if it helps prove my point. I don't want to give up fast food all the time. I don't want to commit to a gym membership.

I often say I'm too busy to do things for my ministry. And god convicts me bad. I have got to make the change somewhere. Today I listened to Joyce Meyers. She explained that when we are obedient, whether we feel like it or not, God will bless us. We will get the benefits in it for us. She also explained that God should be feared. Not like we are scared of him. But almost like the unreputable respect you have for your parents. You know not to go there with them. Same for God. When you are doing things disobedient...and you are aware of it...Your only hurting yourself.

I need to surrender it all to him. I need to do it soon. God has major plans for me. But he needs to know if my heart is with him. The hardest battle of my life.

Accepting the truth

Well, it has been...SEVERAL months since my last post...and I haven't done a dern thing about the first post. It's embarrassing. In fact, I wanted to erase the two earlier posts and just start clean. But the purpose of this whole blog was to blog my relationship with God and my goals. And if that means displaying that I am not perfect and screwed up already, then eh, that's what it means. However it also means I can just create a new starting point! It also points out the obvious, that it makes me look bad and I'm embarrassed about making myself look bad.

There are things about me that I'd prefer not to be true. I'd rather not accept the truth about them. I'd rather ignore the pink elephant in the room or scoot stuff under the rug. Deal with it? Nah. But this is what it is. I have flaws. I think I've spent the greater of these last two months focusing on them. From being a perfectionist, to caring what people think, and also people pleasing. I think I've spent time in the word and spent time focusing on how to work on my emotions and learning how to express my feelings. There's just things I had to learn the hard way. Like I won't please everyone. And some people just won't like me (10% of people won't like you - says Joyce Meyer). I'm just now becoming cool with that idea. Another big improvement. Setting boundaries. I have learned to shut my mouth and stop offering to take on 158683 projects when I barely finish anything. I've also learned to decrease my selfishness and increase my awareness of how I think/feel others perceive me. I'd like to say that this has made me...different than how other's have known me. I am feeling some resistance and dislike from others. However, I also feel empowered that I feel comfortable standing up for myself and what it means. Sometimes it does mean have a negative or 'realistic' viewpoint on some things.

I'm still learning how to balance saying those things without hurting people or offending them. Or saying them in a way that doesn't make me look insensitive. I'm proud of myself. And I think if I continue to work out the kinks, I'll be more and more willing to accept the truth about myself.